My grief doesn’t make an appearance in my every day life nearly as often as it used to.

There’ve been times I’ve resent my grief because I feel like people associate me with that moment in my life. It’s like people only want to hear about those times, they only want to hear about me at my lowest and feel sorry for me. I’ve actually gotten offended when people tell me, “one day at time,” because in my mind, I’ve healed so much already and you don’t need to tell me that.

I know I’ll never be one hundred precent, none of us ever will be.

But when I stop the red from clouding my vision, I realize what that feeling really is. I project my insecurities onto the well-meaning comments from people. I don’t want my grief or that time in my life to become another identity that I tie myself to.

The truth is, I talk about my grief a lot because going through that changed me. And I’ve watched people let grief take them deep into an abyss that they never get out of. I’ve seen people make their grief their entire personalities because life just isn’t worth living without whoever or whatever they’re grieving.

I made it to the another side, not necessarily the other side or the end.

Jump to: Takeaways or Thought Starters

Back in those years after, I’d wished there was someone I could relate to that had experienced the type of loss I had and shared the ugly. Not just the after. Not just the good. Not just the light at the end…but the dark, messy middle that was so difficult for me to deal with and even more difficult to navigate.

I talk about my grief now mainly in two not-so-widely-talked-about parts:

• The dark, messy middle
• The light, seemingly ok middle

From the outside, you wouldn’t know there was really any different. I’m mean…

This is me from my dark, messy middle:

And this is me in the seemingly ok middle (the place I’m still in):

But my mindset, my emotional stability, my thought process and so much more was so different during these two times. Night and day.

But both middles are messy and terrifying in their own ways.

If you find yourself in the middle…I want to share with you an excerpt from one of my journals. This is raw and unedited:

This wasn’t fucking fair. Why? Why was God picking on me? What did I do that was so awful to deserve this? Not only did he take away the love of my life, but he was sick enough to give me evidence after he was gone that he planned on asking me to be his wife.  

If this was a game, I was so fucking sick of playing. I lost already. I lost everything. Wasn’t that enough? Why did everyone insist on kicking me while I was down? 

As I continued to stare down at the ring my anger dissipated, and I saw it in a whole new light. This ring wasn’t to punish me, it was his message from the beyond. He loved me, he was always thinking of me, he will always love me…even in death. 

Suddenly this gold band meant everything to me. It was the last piece of him I had, the last glimpse of what our future would’ve been like together. 

I smiled at his mom and hugged her, hoping she could feel my love for her son. Feel the grief for the wedding we would never have, the family we would never have, for the grandchildren we would never give her. For the future her son would never get to live and for the person he would never become. 

Just as quickly, everything started to become heavy again. I wanted to scream and throw everything into a fire. We had everything and he gave it up for what? One night of fun? How dare he do this to himself? To me? To us? How fucking selfish could he be? He took everything away from people in this room. I shouldn’t be in his childhood home without him. I shouldn’t have this ring in my hand knowing he would never put it on my finger. 

My constant mood swings made me sick – physically and mentally. Now that I was finally keeping down food, it would be so easy to throw it back up. At least now, I had something in my stomach to empty out. I wanted everything to be empty, as empty as I felt, as empty as I was. 

I share this with you because, to me, it accurately reflects how the middle is the hardest in so many ways. You’re trying to balance so many different parts of you that are trying to coexist in ways they never have.

The dark side of the middle wants to keep you safe, keep you in that last save point.

The light side of the middle wants you to grow, get to the next save point and fight the big boss on this level. Rinse, repeat. Win the game.

I think I’m writing this mainly for myself…because right now, in this light middle part of my life feels like it’s changing and evolving so fast. And I feel like, I know I won’t recognize myself soon because I’ll have expanded so much.

It’s a good thing but it’s a hard thing.

So, as I continue to learn to navigate these middles – I’ll continue to share because I know there’s someone out there who is like me before, just wanting someone like me now to talk about those middle parts, so that they can feel a little less alone.

Thought Starters:

Some journal prompts or conversation points to have with those you trust on this topic

• Explore the concept of the middle phases of grief. What emotions do you associate with this phase? How have you navigated the balance between light and dark?
• Reflect on the role of self-compassion in your journey through grief (or anything particularly trying in your life). How do you practice self-care and kindness towards yourself during difficult times/ What strategies do you use to cope with overwhelming emotions?
• Think about the idea of finding meaning in grief. Are there moments of clarity or insight that have come to light from your experience with loss? How have you reconciled the pain of grief with the possibility of growth and transformation?

Takeaways:

• Evolution of Grief: Grief evolves over time, from consuming everyday life to becoming a part of your life. Learning to navigate the complex emotions associated with grief and recognize the impact it’s had on your identity can be difficult.
• Navigating the Middle: There are many challenging aspects of the “middle” phases of grief, characterized by both dark and light moments. The struggle of balancing conflicting emotions and the journey of self-discovery during this phase is different than the beginning stage of grief.
• Sharing the Experience: By openly discussing my experience, I hope to connect with others who may be going through similar struggles and provide a sense of companionship in navigating the middle phases.