Hello, hi and welcome to…my beautiful online home!
No house tour is complete without an introduction into why I built this place. (Yes, I’m leaning heavily into the house tour thing.)
If you’ve followed my social media content for any amount of time, you’ll know that sharing my journey of…life in general, and being super vulnerable is sort of my thing. It wasn’t something I intentionally started doing, but writing things out seemed to help me cope with all the emotions associated grief and loss.
After my ex-boyfriend died in 2016, I kept writing things on his Facebook page. I guess it gave me a way to talk to him since I wasn’t ready to deal with the loss yet. Then my dad died and suddenly I just had all of these things to come to terms with. So, I kept writing on Facebook with only my “friends” being able to see it.
I was mainly doing it for me, so I didn’t think people really cared about what I was writing. So I was kind of surprised to see the impact it was having on people reading. I heard from a lot of people who appreciated my vulnerability and honesty.
In hindsight, I guess what I was doing is giving people a window into my life, giving them a first person POV of an experience they either didn’t understand, couldn’t understand or wanted to understand.
So, I kept doing it until one day I was like, I can’t share this with anyone else anymore – because I started having to face the hard truth that I didn’t know who I was. I was the type of person who revolved my life around my significant other. My identity was wrapped into the person they wanted me to be. That facade unraveled fast and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I continued to write but never shared anything because I didn’t want people to know I was struggling with myself versus struggling with grief. At the time, they were two different things to me.
Again, I was wrapping my identity into my grief, into my ex’s death…leaving no room for myself.
People sometimes say “finding yourself” is the wrong term, “You’re just rediscovering yourself,” they’ll say. For me, that wasn’t the case. I had no idea who I was outside of conforming myself to be the right person to someone else. Dismantling that mentality and discovering what was me and what wasn’t, has been my journey for years.
To me, this has been the toughest part.
Four years after my ex’s death, I decided to “retire” from TV journalism – something I associated my identity to very heavily – move to big city and start over.
I disappeared from social media and continued to try to get in touch with myself.
When I made my grand comeback on social media late last year, it was because I got a nudge from the universe (yes, I do the woo woo stuff here) that it was time to start sharing again. I was venturing off into my own business and wanted to be all girl bossed on social media.
But I started making that my identity again.
I started posting shit that didn’t feel like me, following trends I didn’t understand and being all around performative because I was taking on another identity. So, I disappeared again for a few months.
I needed to recalibrate and have a heart-to-heart with…my heart.
When I came back to social media, I started writing and sharing more about grief, loss and just general things, giving people that window into my life again. Because that’s what was in my heart. That’s what mattered to me.
My journey is me.
I realized that if something I wrote and shared could help just one person not feel alone in this world then it would be enough. And from the comments I’ve read from people over the years, it’s done just that – and that’s my work, to continue to do that while not making it my identity…just something that I love.
That’s where this space comes in.
Social media sometimes makes me feel performative and I can get wrapped up in being a content machine. I don’t want to make it my identity, so I needed a space where I could just be myself in a space where I felt safe.
That’s what Vessel of Loves is.
It’s my safe space to share myself and what matters to me, on my terms, in a way that feels authentic and freeing to me.
It’s like my soul has been waiting for me to create this space.
I have felt so at ease and filled with joy since I started working on this project. None of it feels like work. None of it feels performative.
This space will grow and change with me. It will honor the ebbs and flows of me.
It’s my space and I’m so happy to share it with you. Honestly though, I could’ve kept it to myself and I would’ve still felt joy about creating it – that’s how I know it’s something special.
What to expect
Nothing, everything. That’s the beauty of this space. I’m not a person that likes routine and strict schedules, so you won’t find me making any deadlines.
But here’s what I can guarantee you:
- I will always be true to myself in this space and express myself honestly. It won’t be for everyone and I will not shape myself to fit in a universal box.
- There are many facets to me and they will be shown in this space, aka my loves, because I’m not one note. You’ll see my sensitive side, but also my quirky side. If you didn’t know, I’m hilarious.
- Everything here is a reflection of me, which includes my writing style. I probably won’t use dashes, hyphens or commas in a way that’s “proper.” Lord help you if you’re an editor or copywriter and don’t have an open mind.
- I have comments and contact capabilities on because I’d love to interact with you, but if it starts to feel unsafe to me, I will close them with no notice. It’s my space and I’ll do what’s right by me and me only.
- Everything will always be a work in progress.
Last thing, why Vessel of Loves?
When I was going through one of my first identity crises, I went online to try to find an identity test. Shocker, right? To the surprise of no one, everything just felt really one note and didn’t really resonate with me. Until I stumbled across Human Design – and everything changed for me in the best way possible.
This wasn’t one of those things I made my identity again, it was a tool that helped me understand myself more deeply. As someone going on a very introspective journey at the time, it opened my eyes to so much.
One of the aspects in Human Design in your incarnation cross. I’m no expert, so here’s how expert Erin Claire Jones describes it, “Our incarnation cross speaks to how we’re here to express our purpose.” My incarnation cross is Right Angle Cross of the Vessel of Love which encompasses the love of pretty much everything.
When I was creating this space, I was trying to make it something cool dealing with a garden (because flowers are just my thing) but nothing felt right. Then I was writing something and vessel of love popped into my mind and the rest is history.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you.
I’m excited to have you here.
